7 Tips to Become Socially Intelligent
The social world can seem like a maze sometimes where the wrong moves lead to dead ends, but the right ones get you closer to your goals.
Here I’ll give you 7 tips to navigate through this maze.
Why You Compare Yourself To Others
I once had a friend ask me why he was always comparing himself to others. Even though he had a lot of things to be proud of, he always felt a little empty.
This friend had a great job, a great family & was making a solid amount of money. Why the emptiness?
After talking for a while, we went from his present day to his past.
This gentleman grew up in the Eastern culture where traditions are a lot different. He grew up in China & immigrated to the U.S. at a young age.
As we talked more, I was able to see exactly what the issue was. His parents moved from China to the U.S. so my friend could get an education.
When he came to the U.S., it was obvious that his parents were always setting high expectations for him.
-The grade letter B was seen as a D.
-The grade letter C was seen as an F.
-Everything below that was seen as uncharted territory.
Every time he stumbled & got a B or lower, his parents were quick to bring up how the other kids were scoring. ‘You know Jackie got an A in the same class you are struggling with. What do you have to say about that?’ his parents asked.
After a while, the message became loud & clear.
His parents’ constant comparing him to others during his childhood had manifested into its own beast in his present-day life.
I am not saying that his parents were bad people by any means. If you look closer, it doesn’t matter which culture you’re from, East or West. Pretty sure you were the victim of being compared to others by an authority figure at one point or another.
If it was before the age of 7, then it was something that stuck for a long time.
In the era of social media, the highlight reel life & technology, we find ourselves comparing our lives to others on the daily.
Even if we get a major Win, we are not grateful for it. Instead, we are thinking about how the other person got 2 Wins. This is an incredibly sad way to live.
I told my friend that the past was the past.
Now he must work on engineering the future. There’s no point in moping around & wondering about ‘what if’ scenarios. May sound harsh, but it is true.
This friend could not turn back time & tell his parents to stop comparing him to others. But he could work on his present-day life & prevent himself from comparing his kids to others.
One of the best ways to recondition your mind towards thinking about how far you have come vs. how much you have left to go is by leveraging gratitude.
Every morning, force yourself to write or say stuff that you are grateful for.
Could be a small win or a massive win, doesn’t matter. The key is to do it daily, so a rhythm is built.
Begin the morning with it so you can set the tone for the day. End the night with it so you can set the tone for the next day.
Soon, you will see yourself reversing years of subconscious programming.
No more looking at what others are doing & bitching about it.
Take it a level further. Adopt Level Up Mentality.
A mentality that has you no longer competing with others. Rather, you are now getting inspired by them. You choose what you like about your peers & implement it into your everyday life.
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Then go on a LIFELONG competition with your prior day self. Your prior day self is an enemy & must be defeated at all costs.
So, defeat that prior day’s self at all costs!
Explaining Yourself to Others
People interpret your words based on their life experiences. Which is why you shouldn’t explain yourself to everyone. Some people will never get it. They have never seen life through your eyes. Be able to spot them. Explaining yourself to the wrong person will have you wasting a lot of your time.
There are two types of people: Curious ones and Combative ones
The curious ones are perfectly aware that humans hear based on experiences. Which is why they hesitate to make rash decisions. They know that every person has a story and even if they don’t fully agree with them, they maintain curiosity.
Curiosity allows them to seek answers, rather than assume them.
This is why this group will ask you intelligent questions to understand your thought process. They are respectful. Explaining to them is fine.
The combative ones lack awareness. Their ego dominates their life. As a result, when they see someone with different views they feel threatened. They feel like this person is trying to distort their reality.
So they virtue signal, show disrespect, and project their life experiences onto you.
They only want you to explain yourself so they can tell you how wrong you are. Their baby brains are plotting a comeback when you’re speaking. Give them ZERO time.
There is no shortage of people on this planet. You don’t need everyone to agree with you. Value your time more. And start giving it to people who deserve it, not entitled clowns.
Understand human nature for what it is, not what you wish it to be. When you are able to do that, your views towards humans will clarify. At that point, you will be more selective with who gets your attention.
With that being said, avoid explaining yourself to everyone.
Your future self will thank you.
How to Find Your Tribe
I was the type of guy who would filter my personality to make sure that I was liked by everyone. I would just agree a lot & act like a people-pleaser.
I had many friends but they were just a bunch of people that I had surface-level bonds with. They had no clue who I was. I was simply wearing a mask for approval, and all that brought me was despair.
Then I took off the mask and was reborn as my authentic self. I became the guy who would occasionally curse, crack jokes & aim to have fun.
As a result, a lot of people were rubbed the wrong way & distanced themselves from me. But there were also a handful of people who remained. The ones who remained became my tribe members.
Since changing the method, I have fewer friends, but I’m happier.
I now have strong social bonds with my smaller circle.
At that point, I discovered:
You can only consider someone a friend once they have seen your authentic side on multiple occasions.
Understand that it is not normal for everyone to like you
When this concept is truly registered, the attraction process is sparked. You are not chasing people anymore. You are magnetizing the right people and repelling the wrong people.
A cheat code to attract people into your tribe is to talk to a person like you’ve known them for your entire life. This is harder than it looks. Luckily, it can be practiced. Especially when it’s set as the intention.
Not sure if you are aware of it or not, but each interaction leads us to talk to the person like we have known them for our entire lives. It’s a game of just setting that as the intention at the beginning of the interaction, so we aren’t talking in circles.
This is when the most authentic side comes out. This whole nice label is a pretty lie.
Niceness will destroy your life.
Niceness will have you reflecting with regret.
Authenticity is what stands the test of time.
Unless authenticity is set as the reward, the second place of niceness will be fate.
The Social Superpower
The smile is a highly underrated social weapon.
Look around you. So many people are so angry all the time. Well, I do not know if they are angry. But they sure as hell look like it.
When someone looks angry, they become unapproachable. They lost social opportunities even before there was an opportunity to get it started!
Or let’s say you are having a conversation, and the other person is displaying uncomfortable body language. You are saying all the right things, so you have no clue what is wrong.
I have a clue.
It’s because you look like you are about to kill them at any moment. The resting bitch face is a problem. Whoever told you it wasn’t was lying.
People are visual creatures & it’s time we leverage this knowledge.
Go in front of the mirror & smile. Do you look creepy?
If so, then you will come off as creepy to the other person. Adjust.
Squint your eyes more. Make the smile warmer. Prioritize comfort.
Do you look more approachable now?
If you saw yourself standing in the street, would you want to say whatsup?
Or at least ask yourself for directions. If so, then you’re on the right track.
If you look approachable, then it will be much easier to start & maintain a conversation.
-A smile releases endorphins in someone else’s brain.
-A smile releases endorphins in your brain.
Endorphins are feel-good chemicals. This is a win-win situation for both parties.
It’s little tweaks like this that build confidence. It only takes a few tweaks like this to create a brand-new personality.
A personality that magnetizes people & radiates warmth.
How to deal with unwanted advice
People who give unwanted advice are not always against you. They may do this with a pure heart. They made a mistake that they want you to avoid. So hear them out before shutting them down.
3 groups of people who give unwanted advice:
- Big headed
- Unaware
- Caring
Big headed – They just like to hear themselves talk. They don’t give a fuck about you. Their ‘advice’ is a way to just brag about how great their life is.
Unaware – they are not malicious but they think their way of doing things is the only way. So, they give you advice thinking you want to lead the same life they currently are.
Social unawareness at its finest.
Caring – they see your present-day self in their past self. they are genuinely looking out for you. Even though you didn’t ask for advice, they feel like they must save you some trouble. So they give you advice to save you your most precious asset. Time.
Be able to distinguish between the 3 groups. You’ll either waste your time or save it. Be open-minded but maintain your judgment.
Selective Respect
Respecting everyone is overrated. Don’t reward snakes, haters, or clout chasers with respect. Punish them with distance.
Treating everyone with respect does you more harm than good. Let me use an analogy to explain…
What do you spend your money on?
‘I spend it on quality items that can benefit me in some way.’
Why don’t you spend it on shitty products too?
Because that would be a waste of my money?
Exactly.
The same concept applies to people.
Your time is way more valuable than money. Not even close. So why would you spend your time on shitty people? You can be spending that time and energy on respectable people instead.
Additionally, never reward bad behavior. A snake or hater who is rewarded with respect will think their behavior is acceptable.
Keep your distance instead of attacking them back. Because distance bothers them more.
If you attack a low social value person back, they strangely feel honored. The fact that they were able to get a reaction out of you is an accomplishment to them. They have nothing going on for them. Getting attention, good or bad, is great for them.
But distance? Silence? 0 acknowledgment? Makes their skin crawl.
Remember, reward good behavior with energy, and don’t waste your energy on people who don’t deserve it.
Sneak Haters
Sneaky Ways People Hate:
- Pompous questions
- Excessive sarcasm out of the blue
- ‘Joking’
- Insinuating that your accomplishment was easy
- Talking behind your back
- Saying stuff like ‘we’ll see how long it lasts’
There’s a difference between snakes and sneak haters.
1. The harmless sneak hater
They may throw lowkey disses at you, but ultimately mean no harm.
They are dissing you because their belief systems are completely opposite of yours. Yet they still have love for you.
Let’s say you come from a family of doctors. But you want to pursue a comedy career instead, guess what? You may get a lot of sneak hate.
But is it out of maliciousness? Not quite. It is due to completely different belief systems.
Your family wants the best for you, but they still have 0 clue why you’re doing comedy. It does not register with their current beliefs.
Therefore, they think they are genuinely looking out for you with these sneaky comments hoping that you pick up a clue.
2. The malicious sneak hater
This group secretly despises you & wants you to fail. They are the snakes so watch out very carefully for these people.
The best way to distinguish between the two is to place weight on intentions, actions & your gut instinct.
You will get plenty of sneak haters in your lifetime, so being able to distinguish between the 2 is very important.
