The Carnegie Institute of Technology analyzed the records of 10,000 people and concluded that 15% of success is due to technical training and 85% of success is due to personality factors, to the ability to deal with people successfully.
Another study conducted by Dr. Albert Wiggam showed that out of 4,000 people who lost their jobs in one year, only 10% lost it because they weren’t able to do it. The rest, lost their job because they weren’t able to deal with people effectively.
It’s no doubt that learning how to deal with people will improve your success and happiness.
One important thing to remember is that we are all more interested in ourselves than in anything else. And every human being seeks the approval of others, so he can approve himself.
What makes people self-centered? Clinical psychologists have shown time after time that self-centered people don’t have too much self-esteem, but too little.
Once a person begins to like himself a little better, then he is able to like other people a little better. People with high self-esteem are cheerful, generous, and willing to listen to others. They have taken care of their own primary needs and are able to think about the needs of others.
You deal with those who aren’t behaving nicely by being good with them, by feeding their ego. Start the conversation by agreeing with some of their points, and if possible give sincere praise.
Remember that people act or fail to act – largely to enhance their own egos. When you are trying to persuade someone and logic seems to fail, try giving him a “reason” that will enhance his ego.
If you want to understand and influence other people, you need to understand yourself first.
I suggest taking the Meyers-Briggs personality test. Of course, like any other test, Meyers-Briggs is not perfect but it’s the most accurate one compared to other tests. You see what your strengths and weaknesses are and improve them.
How to connect with someone you hate?
- Decide that no matter how different he is, no matter how you may feel when you are around him, no matter his actions, that you are able to understand him.
- Have a one-on-one conversation with that person and listen with the goal to understand their point of view. Why they behave the way they do? Maybe they have had a tough childhood. Maybe they are stressed and don’t know how to cope with it.
- Accept them. Maybe you won’t be able to influence that person to change or it takes too long. (Every person needs his/her time to change) So, instead of criticizing him, yourself, or both, just accept the situation as it is. It will make a big difference on your interactions.
Stop waiting to talk and actually listen
When you listen to people they feel valued, respected, and happy. They feel more motivated and eager to solve problems. When you don’t listen to people they feel hurt, rejected, and disrespected. Listening skills can make or break a personal or business relationship.
All of us, send little messages to the world, and most of them unconsciously. The body language not only portrays our feelings, but sometimes also how we are coping with our feelings.
For example, the expression on a person’s face may indicate that he is angry. And the rest of his body shows what he is doing with those feelings. Someone may approach another with menacing posture and clenched fists, ready for combat. Or he may try to vary his feelings by stamping his feet, flailing his arms, slamming the door…
You can understand a lot about their people’s relationships by just looking at body language. When people position themselves at a distance from each other, tense their bodies, avoid facing each other, and make eye contact, the relationship is probably not going well.
There are too many ways to read their body language by focusing the attention on… specific words, tempo, the frequency and length of pauses, facial expressions, posture, gestures.
An advanced technique is to try and match someone else’s posture and gesture. Obviously, it needs to get done right or it might seem as you are trying to put him down.
Do you really know how they feel?
When some people start to really listen, may say something like, “I know how you feel”. This is an inappropriate response because it is untrue. We can’t know for sure what is like to live under their skin. And this statement tends to block your attempt to understand more. And the other person will tend to doubt that you understand as much as you say you do.