How To Win Verbal Confrontations Against Bullies
This article is for those who no longer want people to trifle with them.
You will learn all the techniques you need to ensure that people no longer mess with you and that there will be a serious price if they do so.
To dominate verbally means attacking others in a disproportionate way. You are not merely looking to deflect. You are looking to destroy. I don’t mean cursing, swearing, and unsophisticated verbal insults.
They are never the way to go. As soon as you resort to doing these things, you have lost.
You want your verbal attacks to crawl under their skin and bury themselves deep in their psyches, and that is what these techniques will teach you.
You can use these techniques, from trash-talking with your buddies to winning heated debates to destroying your enemies’ reputations or morale.
#1 Rules of Engagement
Unless you are in a formal setting, you usually have control over the rules of engagement in a verbal confrontation.
In any non-formal confrontation, you are never forced to have a confrontation and/or have it on another person’s terms. Most people don’t realize they are in control of these factors.
Now, one of the best ways to manipulate the rules of engagement is to play with the “time element”.
By this, I mean saying something to clarify that NOW is not the time you will have the confrontation and that you will have it when you feel like it.
Here are some examples:
“When your opinion is needed, I’ll ask for it.”
“Thanks for that, but this is the part where you leave my office.”
“When I want your advice/opinion/thoughts, I’ll give you the special signal.”
Another way to play with this element is to accuse the other person of wasting your time:
“Spit it out brother, you’re putting everyone to sleep.”
Or you can limit the amount of time they have to talk to you:
“You have thirty seconds.”
“You have ten seconds, and you just wasted five of them because I had to say this.”
Here are some other elements you can manipulate in any verbal confrontation:
- Their demeanour (“I’m not talking to you until you calm down. Ask me politely.”)
- Their tone, pace, or volume of voice. (“Speak up,” “Speak Slower”)
- You can just change the subject. Nobody is making you stay on the subject.
- Revoke permission to speak (If your opinion mattered, I would have asked for it.”)
- Make it clear that your time, attention, and patience are scarce.
#2 Indirectness
A crucial principle of verbal skills and verbal domination is that you should always say things indirectly rather than directly whenever possible. You want to get out of that default mental state where you say mentally lazy, automatic, default, and cliched things. Instead, you always want to be practising saying things indirectly.
The easiest and best way to do it is by making an assumption or conclusion, preferably a somewhat absurd one, about a trait, behavior, or characteristic of the other person. It does not need to be actual or real.
So if you want to say that someone is crazy, you could assume they are on medication. “You know, when the doctor gives you a pill to quiet the voices in your head, you really need to take them”.
If someone is whiny, you can assume they are also crying, so that is how you come up with, “Hey did you know Costco has a sale on tissues?”
#3 The Fake Out
You start with a seemingly positive statement about the other person or related to that person, such as “I really like that dress.” Then you go for the kill: “I have seen seven other girls wearing it.” Or “He’s the best basketball coach in America… until the game starts.”
“High five! Many people in this world are average but not you. You stand right at the top with your overwhelming mediocrity.”
You can use this technique even when someone hasn’t attacked you verbally. But you can also use it defensively. Let’s say something makes an insult against you; you can respond like this: “Wow you’re very clever. That’s only the hundredth time I’ve heard that joke.”
#4 Says Someone
You call someone out for hypocrisy based on what you know about them. It is more of a defensive technique, but you will use it offensively.
The more absurd you can make your opponent sound, the better. It can even be made up. For example, you can respond to someone who act they know a lot about the medical field… “Once you stopped reading WebMD and thinking Dr. Oz is legit you can say that. Until then, you can save your breath.”
#5 Negation
It is a specific method to undermine another person’s opinions, wants, desires and narcissistic tendencies.
This is a crucial technique in trying to dominate someone verbally because dealing with opinionated or narcissistic people is inevitable. They are the most common opponents you have to deal with in verbal confrontations.
In particular, negation is a great tool to use when confronting people about issues of power and status.
When confronted about someone who wants to take control of a business project, for example:
“Go ahead. You can control everything. When you ruin the project, you’ll get to say you controlled a whole lot of nothing.”
In the show Suits, there is this scene where a lesser partner at the law firm, Louis Litt, is challenging the managing partner, Jessica Pearson, on a decision she made, and she replies: “When YOU’RE in charge of Litt, Nobody, and No One, you can make all the decisions.”
In reply to someone who is being impatient: “You sure do like to tailgate people. I suppose its real important you show up on time to the nothing important you have to do.”
#6 Deliberate Misinterpretation
This technique is defensive in nature but aggressive in approach. You create a “negative persona” for them by reinterpreting the insult in a way that ends up making THEM look bad.
Bully: “You don’t have many friends do you?”
You: “Yep, that’s right. Unlike you, I’m not a friend whore.”
Bully: “You’re so introverted!”
You: “Actually, I only get introverted and don’t feel like talking when I see you coming.”
Bully: “What? You don’t know about X?”
You: “Nope. Unlike you, I don’t spend my entire day at work slacking off and reading crappy websites.”
#7 Devalidation
It is essential because you will inevitably come across someone who comes at you with solid arguments, and you may want to invalidate their arguments without actually addressing the substance.
The formula for this technique is “If X, then or that Y.”
“If you weren’t X (X being smth that they do/did which is hypocritical), that might actually mean something.”
“If I knew who you were, that might mean something.”
#8 Tactical Tripwires
You can use this technique when your opponents get heated or out of control. You can say something like, “take a deep breath”. And you will see them lose their train of thought and/or get even more heated.
It will allow you to stay in control of the confrontation and make your opponent appear a bit hysterical.
Here are some examples of tactical tripwires:
“You just spat when you said that.”
“You’re beginning to sound hysterical.”
“You should know that you don’t get more correct the louder you get.”
“Waving that finger at me doesn’t make what you’re saying more correct.”
Another way to keep control of the confrontation is to proactively ask the other person questions about the issue at hand, preferably questions they don’t know the answer to. This is also another tactical tripwire for your opponent.
#9 Playing With Emotions
Your opponent often uses their emotions or reactions to you as a sneaky tactic to avoid making a valid argument or using logic…
“I’m shocked that you would argue that.”
“I can’t believe you would say that.”
“I’m disappointed that you believe that.”
What you have to realize is that their emotions are their problem, not yours, so you need to call it out:
“Get used to it, I can argue anything.”
“Do you get shocked easily?”
“You’re easily disappointed aren’t you?”
